God IS Good

and His mercies are new every morning. I am exhausted this morning after a very busy weekend. Friday night, we hosted out Home Fellowship, and then I headed off to my sister-in-law's house to finish setting up a garage sale that we were having. She graciously offered to host the sale. I have spent hours pulling out things for the sale. She is going to continue to sell stuff for the next couple of days, and I will post more about it in a later entry. We had a ridiculous amount of things to sell!!!

After the garage sale, I headed to see my Memaw at the nursing home. My parents had come to town to see her today, and my mom said "she doesn't look good", but I don't think that I was prepared to see how badly she looked. I did a double check of her name on the door before I walked in. I brought her some yellow roses and a Coke that was from Mexico (she loves bottled Coke!). She roused when I entered the room and could barely open her eyes, but she knew who I was and told me how pretty those flowers were. She just looked so frail and helpless in that bed. She has lost so much weight, and she has dark circles under her eyes. The head RN came in to see her while I was there and asked her a lot of questions. When she got ready to leave, she asked "are you her granddaughter?", and when I said "yes", she called me into the hallway. She wanted to discuss with me the fact that my Memaw doesn't have a lot of time left. She was sooo sweet. It was obvious that she was a Christian. She told me that she had been a Hospice nurse for years and that she just "knows". She wanted to be honest with me because she thinks that it is not fair for the family to not know how bad the situation is. Well, a lot of stuff happened and since *I* was THE family member there, they were wanting some papers signed and stuff I used my "I'm JUST the granddaughter" line several times last night and I quickly called my Aunt and Uncle to come as they are the medical power of attorneys along with my mom. After a long (like until midnight) meeting, the process was begun with Hospice. Our goal is to keep her comfortable and pain free. The Hospice nurse was an oncology nurse before starting Hospice and 1993. She was really sweet, but yet a straight shooter. She talked to us about the fact that Memaw is actively dying and that Hospice is not "giving up" it is "giving in" to the fact that our loved one is dying. My head knew that, but my heart may not have been ready to actually hear that. Anyway, I am very confident in their care and they seem to know what they are doing. The Hospice nurse talked a lot about her faith and that we all need to know where we are going when we die. I know where my Memaw is going, and I take comfort in that!
Okay, I want to highlight some points of my conversation with my Memaw (mainly so that I will be able to remember later!)
*She told me more than once that she loved me. (And I told her how much I love her)
*She told me how much she loved my kids and that they are precious to her.
*She cried about having to take off her wedding rings that she had worn for 63 years...that was a tough thing to listen to her talk about.
*She chased a rabbit for a bit and talked about a friend's dog that had died and she cried about it telling me how sad she was for that friend's daughter. (that was really on her mind because she told other relatives about it too)
*She told me that my parents had been there most of the day and had done all that they could do, but that there wasn't much to do for her now.
*She said "I didn't want it to be this way" I told her that I didn't want it to be like this for her either.
*She said more than once "this is just a nightmare"...she would say this in lucid moments, but also in kind of "out of it" moments too.
*She told me that nobody explained to her why Granddaddy shuffled his feet and had the tremors...kind of random, but kind of sweet in the fact that she was thinking of him and it won't be too long before they are united again.
*She talked about living in Springtown and Reno really, but that nobody wanted her, so she really lives in "no man's land". (had to be there, but it was a funny conversation).
*She told me that my Uncle was getting her new teeth (dentures) long story, but when I got there her bottom plate was not in and I looked all over for it: in the bed, under the bed, in the furniture, on the table, etc. I thought that one of the Alzheimer patients might have stolen them! (it was in the denture cup the whole time!!) She said that they don't fit anymore and she needed new ones...I thought she was talking crazy, but my aunt and uncle confirmed that there was indeed and appointment on the 13th to get those new teeth!!!
*She told me she hurt, her hip and her belly hurt...that is when I asked if they could give her something for pain...I don't want her hurting. (She has not complained of pain this entire time.)
*When the aide came in, she asked "Mrs. Hardison, what can I call you?" I told her that a lot of people call her "Baby" the aide said "oh, that will be an easy one" and Memaw chimed in "I've been called that all my life. My daddy called me that. I am the oldest child in the family, and all of my sisters call me Baby"
*She told me that she has been a lot of trouble for my aunt and uncle. I told her that they love her and want to take care of her. And, she had taken care of them for years. (a tear rolled down her cheek)
*I told her that Blayne had told me that "Memaw's hair is broken", she smiled a small smile, and if she would have had strength, I think that she would have chuckled.
*She took her hat off and told me that the doctor doesn't think that ALL of her hair will fall out, so she had them get her some Prell (she loves the stuff) shampoo so that she can take care of her scalp.
*Her skin is incredible dry (probably from chemo) so I spent some time putting lotion on her. Her skin looks bad and she is very boney. I rubbed her fingers and felt how tiny they were in my hands. I told her that people pay BIG money for good manicures like this!
*She told me that there was a picture of "Texas" (my cousin's baby) "over there" and she pointed at what I thought was her table and so I told her "no, there is no picture here" and she said "no, by the winda" and sure enough, I pulled back the curtain and there was a sweet little picture of baby Texas, she said "isn't he the sweetest thing? I think he is gonna be red headed"

I felt like she went even more downhill while we were out of the room talking to the Hospice care nurse. She was sedated pretty heavily before we left, but I bent down to kiss her and tell her goodnight. She barely opened her eyes (just slits) and said "Bye Jennifer, bye hun, I love you!" (which is how she has always told me goodbye.

So, I sit here grateful that I was able to have sweet conversation with her last night and I am okay if that is the last conversation that I get to have with my only living grandparent. God was so good to give me those sweet moments and allow me to tell her that I love her and allow me to get to hold her hand, rub her with lotion and have sweet fellowship. God has put some great people in her path to care for her in her last days, and I think that she is in excellent care.

Thanks for letting me journal this, if you are still reading!!!!


Aunt Judy, Hospice Nurse Barbara, Uncle Butch